Not stupid or funny, but did not know where to post:
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall
bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty two years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
---------- Post added at 08:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:17 PM ----------
> The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
> The wife was very upset about this and decided
> to talk to her about the raise.
> She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
> Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why
> I wan an increase.
> The first is that I iron better than you.'
> Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
> Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
> Wife: 'Oh.'
> Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
> Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
> Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
> Wife: 'Oh..'
> Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
> Wife: (really furious now)
> 'Did my husband say that as well?'
> Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
> Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Girl : I'm not feeling well today.
Boy : Oh! That's too bad, I thought of taking you out for shopping today.
Girl : I was joking.
Boy : Me Too
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